When we moved to Donetsk, almost 2 years ago, I remember thinking that I was going to be in Donetsk forever. Since getting married, Byron and I have made a habit of moving frequently, and Donetsk appeared to be the place that would break that habit.
Of course, I really do believe that God kept us on the move because He wanted us to move to Ukraine, and then, specifically, to Donetsk. But, without knowing the big picture, all I understood was that no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't lay down roots anywhere.
And as you know, after leaving Donetsk, I was devastated (for many reasons, that I know I've talked about often times on here). I think I felt like I had not only lost my physical home, but the idea of having a "home." The year that followed our departure from Donetsk, I prayed many different prayers, but one of the bigger prayers was that God would give us a home again - physical and theoretical.
In a lot of ways, the idea of having a "home" became an idol in my life. I really believed that if I could just get back to Ukraine and find a place to call "home" again, all of my problems would disappear and my life would be on track again. I think, that in the deepest times of grief, I really just couldn't understand why or what was happening, and so I created a solution, or goal, so that I could have something to hope for. And, my solution was one simple word - home.
I've been thinking a lot about this over the last week, which is why I wanted to share my thoughts on here. Since we arrived in Kiev in May, I have had a real home. I have a bed to call my own. I have a kitchen to cook in and to clean. Of course, I have Byron with me, and I even have two daughters now. The Lord has answered my prayers completely. I really, truly, completely, have a home now.
So, why haven't all of my problems gone away?
This week, I have slowly started to see the lesson that God has for me in this season. God isn't wanting me to just learn contentment. He's wanting to teach me to not hide. Now that life is calm again (a word that I have learned to use loosely), or at least calm for us, I'm starting to see that there is nothing extreme enough happening in my life right now (for the first time in over a year) that can mask some of my deeper issues.
So, what are my deeper issues? I'm sure you're dying to know! haha
Well, actually, they're probably pretty similar to some of the issues you have too, but some might be a little case specific for my life.
Lately, I've been realizing that when everything is normal, I'm really good at not reading my Bible and praying. Let's be honest guys, when life gets tough, we hit our knees and pray. And when things are going well, we walk around and often take control of our own lives, instead of allowing God to be in total control. This is something I really struggle with. I'm finding that if I'm going to be in the Word daily and in prayer, it has to be more than a priority. It has to be something that I fight for.
A good friend back home of Byron and I (Shout out to Ian Dizon) posted this quote on Facebook:
"Whatever keeps me from the Bible is my enemy, however harmless it may appear to be." - AW Tozer
The Lord really spoke to me through this quote. And in my mind, I started to make a list of "enemies." I would definitely say Netflix, reading, and sleep are some of my top enemies. And now that the Lord has brought all this to my attention, I'm starting to see the changes I need to make in my life to ensure that my time in the Word and prayer doesn't get sloughed off.
Another deep issues that has started to come out more recently is leftover PTSD from leaving Donetsk and a few things that happened in Uganda. When I first left Donetsk, I knew I had a lot of emotions, etc., that I needed to work through, and I did the best I could to work through them, but most of them, I think I just tried to push passed.
A few months ago, a close friend sat down with Byron and I told us that he felt like we were struggling with PTSD. At that time, we weren't really in a place that we could do much about it. But now that our life has slowed down, I'm starting to see more and more that I can't ignore that I have a serious issue. I saw some really bad stuff, and that type of thing doesn't just disappear. It really has to be worked through. And one of the best ways to work through it is going to God.
A couple weeks ago, I had a panic attack in the metro, which is something that is totally not like me. It's not in my character and it's something that's never happened to me before. But, I think the Lord used that panic attack to show me that even though life is much easier now (relatively), He still has work He wants to do in my life, and I desperately need to allow the Lord to do that work.
I started doing the Bible study Healed and Set Free by Tammy Brown. Not everything in the book applies to me, because I've never experienced a lot of the things that are mentioned in the book, but the Biblical side of Healed and Set Free are really important for me right now. All of the women in that book have one huge thing in common with me... Something big happened to them, and they recognized that God is the only one that can heal them.
Side note: I just recently found out that our home church in Colorado is having a women's conference in September (click HERE for more info), and the speaker just so happens to be Tammy Brown, and the conference will be available online, which is perfect for me!
Ok, so, why am I saying all of this? Well, for a few reasons:
1) I really want to show that even though I'm a missionary, I don't have everything together. I am a sinner, saved by grace through faith, and I desperately need Jesus as much today as I did the day I got saved.
2) Maybe you can relate. If reading the Bible and praying isn't a priority in your life, I urge you to change that. It's what moves us from being part of a religion to having a personal relationship with Jesus.
3) Past hurts don't just stop hurting. You can run for your whole life, but the thing that hurt you will continue to hurt you until you let God deal with it and give it to Him completely. And, I think "giving something to God completely," doesn't just mean saying, "Ok God, here you go! I'm not thinking about this anymore." I think it means pouring your heart out to God in prayer, and doing whatever is necessary to go through the healing process. It's definitely not easy. To this day, I still can't talk about Donetsk without crying. But regardless, I'm really starting to see that I can't keep going without working through the past.
4) Don't be ashamed of your hurts. I think that sometimes we (Christians) feel this pressure to be these super-people that can survive anything and do anything and come out unscathed. But, that's just not true. Christians can get hurt, and that's not something to be ashamed of. In our weaknesses, Christ is made strong. And if we pretend like we have no weaknesses, we're really fooling ourselves and stealing God's glory (2 Cor. 12:9-11).
I guess I have one final thought... If you're reading this, and you have some past or present hurt that you know you need to deal with, I really hope that you will go to the Lord and actually deal with it. Go to a good, Bible teaching church and get some Godly counseling. Maybe pick up the book Healed and Set Free. Be honest with your family and friends - ask for prayer. But please, I urge you, don't just hide from your past hurts and hope that someday everything will be fine and all of your hurts will magically vanish. Go to God now. Deal with it now. Don't waste any more time carrying heavy baggage that Jesus wants to take from you.
"For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." - Matthew 11:30
Blessings,
Emily
Of course, I really do believe that God kept us on the move because He wanted us to move to Ukraine, and then, specifically, to Donetsk. But, without knowing the big picture, all I understood was that no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't lay down roots anywhere.
And as you know, after leaving Donetsk, I was devastated (for many reasons, that I know I've talked about often times on here). I think I felt like I had not only lost my physical home, but the idea of having a "home." The year that followed our departure from Donetsk, I prayed many different prayers, but one of the bigger prayers was that God would give us a home again - physical and theoretical.In a lot of ways, the idea of having a "home" became an idol in my life. I really believed that if I could just get back to Ukraine and find a place to call "home" again, all of my problems would disappear and my life would be on track again. I think, that in the deepest times of grief, I really just couldn't understand why or what was happening, and so I created a solution, or goal, so that I could have something to hope for. And, my solution was one simple word - home.
I've been thinking a lot about this over the last week, which is why I wanted to share my thoughts on here. Since we arrived in Kiev in May, I have had a real home. I have a bed to call my own. I have a kitchen to cook in and to clean. Of course, I have Byron with me, and I even have two daughters now. The Lord has answered my prayers completely. I really, truly, completely, have a home now.
So, why haven't all of my problems gone away?
This week, I have slowly started to see the lesson that God has for me in this season. God isn't wanting me to just learn contentment. He's wanting to teach me to not hide. Now that life is calm again (a word that I have learned to use loosely), or at least calm for us, I'm starting to see that there is nothing extreme enough happening in my life right now (for the first time in over a year) that can mask some of my deeper issues.
So, what are my deeper issues? I'm sure you're dying to know! haha
Well, actually, they're probably pretty similar to some of the issues you have too, but some might be a little case specific for my life.
Lately, I've been realizing that when everything is normal, I'm really good at not reading my Bible and praying. Let's be honest guys, when life gets tough, we hit our knees and pray. And when things are going well, we walk around and often take control of our own lives, instead of allowing God to be in total control. This is something I really struggle with. I'm finding that if I'm going to be in the Word daily and in prayer, it has to be more than a priority. It has to be something that I fight for.
A good friend back home of Byron and I (Shout out to Ian Dizon) posted this quote on Facebook:
"Whatever keeps me from the Bible is my enemy, however harmless it may appear to be." - AW Tozer
The Lord really spoke to me through this quote. And in my mind, I started to make a list of "enemies." I would definitely say Netflix, reading, and sleep are some of my top enemies. And now that the Lord has brought all this to my attention, I'm starting to see the changes I need to make in my life to ensure that my time in the Word and prayer doesn't get sloughed off.
Another deep issues that has started to come out more recently is leftover PTSD from leaving Donetsk and a few things that happened in Uganda. When I first left Donetsk, I knew I had a lot of emotions, etc., that I needed to work through, and I did the best I could to work through them, but most of them, I think I just tried to push passed.
A few months ago, a close friend sat down with Byron and I told us that he felt like we were struggling with PTSD. At that time, we weren't really in a place that we could do much about it. But now that our life has slowed down, I'm starting to see more and more that I can't ignore that I have a serious issue. I saw some really bad stuff, and that type of thing doesn't just disappear. It really has to be worked through. And one of the best ways to work through it is going to God.A couple weeks ago, I had a panic attack in the metro, which is something that is totally not like me. It's not in my character and it's something that's never happened to me before. But, I think the Lord used that panic attack to show me that even though life is much easier now (relatively), He still has work He wants to do in my life, and I desperately need to allow the Lord to do that work.
I started doing the Bible study Healed and Set Free by Tammy Brown. Not everything in the book applies to me, because I've never experienced a lot of the things that are mentioned in the book, but the Biblical side of Healed and Set Free are really important for me right now. All of the women in that book have one huge thing in common with me... Something big happened to them, and they recognized that God is the only one that can heal them.
Side note: I just recently found out that our home church in Colorado is having a women's conference in September (click HERE for more info), and the speaker just so happens to be Tammy Brown, and the conference will be available online, which is perfect for me!
Ok, so, why am I saying all of this? Well, for a few reasons:
1) I really want to show that even though I'm a missionary, I don't have everything together. I am a sinner, saved by grace through faith, and I desperately need Jesus as much today as I did the day I got saved.
2) Maybe you can relate. If reading the Bible and praying isn't a priority in your life, I urge you to change that. It's what moves us from being part of a religion to having a personal relationship with Jesus.
3) Past hurts don't just stop hurting. You can run for your whole life, but the thing that hurt you will continue to hurt you until you let God deal with it and give it to Him completely. And, I think "giving something to God completely," doesn't just mean saying, "Ok God, here you go! I'm not thinking about this anymore." I think it means pouring your heart out to God in prayer, and doing whatever is necessary to go through the healing process. It's definitely not easy. To this day, I still can't talk about Donetsk without crying. But regardless, I'm really starting to see that I can't keep going without working through the past.
4) Don't be ashamed of your hurts. I think that sometimes we (Christians) feel this pressure to be these super-people that can survive anything and do anything and come out unscathed. But, that's just not true. Christians can get hurt, and that's not something to be ashamed of. In our weaknesses, Christ is made strong. And if we pretend like we have no weaknesses, we're really fooling ourselves and stealing God's glory (2 Cor. 12:9-11).
I guess I have one final thought... If you're reading this, and you have some past or present hurt that you know you need to deal with, I really hope that you will go to the Lord and actually deal with it. Go to a good, Bible teaching church and get some Godly counseling. Maybe pick up the book Healed and Set Free. Be honest with your family and friends - ask for prayer. But please, I urge you, don't just hide from your past hurts and hope that someday everything will be fine and all of your hurts will magically vanish. Go to God now. Deal with it now. Don't waste any more time carrying heavy baggage that Jesus wants to take from you.
"For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." - Matthew 11:30
Blessings,
Emily
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